Making Marriage Work - Doug Baumoel
Marriage is not easy, especially after enduring a global pandemic together. Marriage takes constant work and is full of compromise. Sometimes we need to refer to outside help to deal with the struggles of marriage. But, choosing the appropriate method of intervention is critical for all couples.
There are two main choices: Marital therapy and marital mediation. Therapy focuses more on feelings, while mediation is a behavioral approach. Marital mediation uses practical techniques to improve a couple’s life together and lessen friction.
At Continuity, we mediate couples to resolve issues and help couples decide what the best route is for them. We explain that they all have options. Divorce can be necessary at times, but other times, it makes things more complicated for the family unit.
I created a list of four main benefits of marital mediation:
“1. Involving a neutral, third-party
Having someone in the room who is a neutral, third-party can help the couple to better understand each other. From a neutral seat, the mediator can “normalize” and give feedback on what the couple is feeling. The mediator can help each partner understand the hard but true fact that both perspectives are valid: each has a right to their feelings. In doing so, each spouse acknowledges the other, a central foundation of the marriage: she/he has her/his own reality and needs to be heard even if the other disagrees. In addition, it is a safe space where both partners can explore how they each contributed to problems they are experiencing as a couple. From there, the mediator can offer different ways to approach the relationship in a way that helps the couple better listen to each other and find areas of compromise and accommodation. With a mediator involved, the couple can make decisions and create agreements coming from a more thoughtful, creative, and direct place.
“2. Communicating more effectively
In many cases, the couple’s stress and marital disharmony have been exacerbated by poor communication skills. A mediator can assist the couple in identifying helpful and non-helpful communication patterns they’ve developed and provide them with the tools needed to revise them. When a couple is better able to communicate their wants and needs to each other, they can then collaborate on how to move forward. By giving couples the tools to better communicate, the couple can overcome their fears and reduce conflict with recognition of the value of further counseling or mediation if necessary.
“3. Redesigning the relationship
Mediation also works to redesign the marriage and reframe issues in a workable, pragmatic way. Part of the mediator’s role is to acknowledge the inherent goodness in each partner that sometimes gets overlooked by conflict. We work on cleaning off some of the dirt, (the conflict), and identify what’s there after all of that has been removed. After years of marriage and potentially years of conflict, mediation can be an opportunity to “meet” each other again. As people, we evolve and change, and mediation offers a place to learn what matters to each other and honor that in a clear, committed, actionable way.
“4. Gaining clarity
Mediation is a great way for couples to gain clarity about what they want out of their relationship. Recognizing issues and deciding what commitments are important to each other can be incredibly empowering and eye-opening. The mediation process is a journey that is revealing in nature and can help couples take a more active approach in deciding how they want to move forward — even if that means transitioning the relationship. While of course, the goal of mediation is to keep couples together, sometimes it helps couples realize that separating and taking steps towards a divorce is actually what they both want. Regardless of whether or not the couple decides to stay together, mediation provides them with a space to gain clarity on what they do (or don’t) want.”
